Over the past month it's been difficult to keep anything straight. Somehow I've been constantly cleaning and working and grieving yet I neither feel or see progress in any of those areas. It's strange to live a life like that. As much as I fight it, I find myself drifting through life, incapable of finishing things or moving forward. And really not feeling any courage or emotional strength to spend time with people I love. So where do I go from here? How do I break away from this longing to stay the same as if staying the same will keep my mother here?
I can't say I know what to do or how to act. But I reread a note from my friend over and over where she writes that she hopes that I can feel. That whatever it is I need to feel, whether it is happiness or sadness, that I let myself feel. Seems like an easy concept, but it's been difficult to execute. I feel numb to so much. I don't want to feel sorrow because I fear I won't be able to ever come out of it. Yet, I fear happiness because I feel guilty enjoying moments without my mom.
Then there's love. Whenever I start to cry I try to remember love. I try to remember my mom's love. My friends who've been there as I cry say the same thing over and over, "Your mom would want you to be happy." It burns in my heart to hear that, but I know it's true. She loved God so much. And I know that she was such an incredible woman because of that love. Even when she endured chemo she continued to praise God for every blessing, even the smallest victories. So when I cry I try to remind myself of my own victories and blessings. God has a love that is so great and encompassing that in Greek, they had to have a separate word to describe His love. Life recently has been a lot like "My Favorite Things" from Sound of Music, only when I'm sad I think of God's blessings... And there's a lot of them. So, here are few of my favorite things that I've been thankful for recently.
- My youngest niece falling asleep in my arms. - Facetime. Because I guess that's the only way I can figure out how to not hang up on people abruptly. woops! Sorry! - Cleaning. It's daunting, but it's a step towards a new start. - My family who acknowledges my social anxiety and tries to accommodate it. - Friends who won't stop bugging me to hang out. Right now I need friends like that who pursue me and won't allow me to disappear. Even though I don't feel ready, their desire to spend time with me helps me as I grieve. - Friends who give me space. Right now those same friends who pursue me also manage the perfect balance of space and care. They don't get offended when I don't feel ready to hang out. And I truly appreciate that as well. - My friends really are just the best. I know that each one of them was placed in my life for a reason. I love each of our special relationships. - Bleach. Who knew it was so magical. - Grilled cheese and tomato soup. Always the perfect complement to a book. - Hugs. I honestly do not like anyone really touching me at all. But... every hug feels so good that in that moment I forget my personal space bubble and just enjoy that good squeeze. So I'm grateful for everyone who's been hugging me. Thanks.