When I think about my life I can honestly say that if I died today I would have died happy. I have few regrets and am so very happy at my core because my driving force in life, the thing that makes me most happy, is to see God in my life. It's not an easy task, and it's not something that comes naturally. Nor is it something I'm constantly doing, but it is something I strive for. But truly, my aim is to see God in everything in my life. To become so in tune with Him that I can learn to love as He loves, to feel compassion and forgiveness as He does. To see beauty through His eyes in the most unlikely places. That's the kind of God I believe in.
So sometimes when people ask me how I've been doing since my mom passed away, I have a difficult time finding an answer. On one hand I still feel lost. Three months have already passed, yet I still can't imagine living the rest of my life without her. It feels as if the mourning will never end. I feel myself constantly slipping in and out of dark bouts of deep sadness. But on the other hand I remember that my mother is no longer suffering. I remember how much good has come from her life and her passing. I see how I've become stronger because I've clung to God during this time. I see the doors God's opened. I've felt such an overwhelming sense of thanks for the people, encouragement and experiences He's given me since. I've learned that it is possible, and even okay, to feel such conflicting emotions all the time. And even when I weigh both sides, the sadness and the hope, I find that my faith in God wins out. I know that as long as God is my constant and I seek to find God in my experiences I always come out filled with a sense of that true peace that passes all understanding.
(The picture above is from my April 2013 trip to Siem Reap, Cambodia.)