I woke up hurt and upset today. Part of it was not having enough sleep and the other part was feeling like nobody cared about how their actions affected me. I felt insignificant, overlooked. I tried my best to suck it up. I didn't want my bad mood to poison everyone else's day, although I admit I still may have. I sat in my coffee shop and cooled off. I thought it could still turn out to be a great day. Friendly people and beautiful northeast light lifted my spirits.
Then there was the call, and I was back at square one. Again I felt insignificant, overlooked. I felt an anger that I hadn't felt in a long time. I wanted the people who hurt me to hurt. I wanted to make people feel bad for making me feel insignificant. I wanted to throw things. I wanted to scream. From that point I couldn't just sit in the coffee shop anymore; I was much too angry.
So I decided to write.
I started off angrily (and selfishly) writing about how I deserved to be treated better and how no one cared about me. major pity party. But as I wrote I felt the tone of my writing change. I didn't like feeling like this. It wasn't their fault I felt this way. The things that happened to me didn't mean I was the victim. I was still angry, but I prayed for God to give me peace.
I left the coffee shop earlier than planned and headed to the bus stop. I walked a half mile and kept praying to God to give me peace. I didn't want to be so upset. I went between thinking of all the nasty things I could say to these people to begging God for a good attitude and peace. Walking always makes me feel better. And as I walked towards the bus stop, that angry letter to them that I drafted in my head got less and less aggressive. By the time I reached the bus stop, I was still hurt, but I was getting better. I couldn't shake the feeling of being insignificant. And God knew that. He must have because I sat at that bus stop for about an hour before the bus actually came. And by the time the bus came, I decided not to write the letter or to bring it up in a hurtful way. And I even started reading the book in my bag, which actually made me very happy.
When I finally got to my destination, I didn't feel like yelling or making people feel bad. Instead I felt like I needed to apologize for my bad attitude and for lashing out. When I was angry and thinking of all the things I could do to make people feel bad for hurting me, I wanted their reaction to be compassion and understanding with how they treated me. When I instead apologized, I got that exact reaction that I wanted, and all bundled up in the best resolution... a hug. Had I acted selfishly and vindictively I would have pushed these people away and probably to a point where they actually wouldn't want to care for me.
God really cared for me in that way. He knew that I needed that tenderness and helped me get it. I really think it's God's will that I had to walk so far to get to the bus and that I had to wait as long as I did for it to get there. He knew all that walking and sitting was good for an introspective person like me. He knew that I just needed time to cool off and sort out my emotions. He gave me that opportunity to stop myself from reacting in a hurtful way to people I love.
God is seriously working in my life to make me a better person and hopefully a blessing others. I'm a work in progress. And I think that's wonderful.