whoa.

I will stay should the world by me foldLift up Your name as the darkness falls I will wait and hold fast to Your word Heart on Your heart and my eyes on You

Whoa mama. It's been a long time since I last blogged.

It's strange that I took such a long break from writing.  I love to blog.  Over seven years of blogging on this blog and several (dramatic) college years of blogging on another site, it never got old.  Blogging was a source of expression where I shared my inspiration and projects and growth.  It'd become a main source of therapy where I aired much of my heartbreak and struggles.  I loved blogging through it all.

But recently, as much as I wanted to, I just couldn't find any real words or images to share.  I couldn't share myself.  Because what was really going on was a lot of confusion.  Part of this hiatus was due to lots of work, but the other part was avoidance.  It's been just over a year since my mom passed away.  And in taking a break from blogging, in some way I felt like I didn't have to face that she's been gone for a year already.  In all honesty it flew by.  I almost felt guilty that the year didn't go by slower, that I didn't suffer more.  After her death it was so bizarre how meaningless certain days became and how painfully meaningful other days were.

I just kind of wanted to disappear for a while.  And I pretty much did.  It's a pretty easy thing to do.  It was so easy to keep everything inside, to cry alone silently, not letting anyone in my life know the kind of pain I was struggling with.  Opening up is such a double-ended sword.  Sharing helped to alleviate some of that mourning, but it also reminded me of why I was mourning.  And that constant fear that someone might mention it consumed me.

.   .   .   .   .

Then I went to counsel at CBM camp.  It's a Christian high school camp I attended when I was younger and even counseled at while I was in college. It'd been years since I counseled, but I felt God calling me back this year.  I was so blessed with two other counselors and together we counseled 13 campers.  We were talking with our campers when a topic came up that just seemed appropriate for me to share my experience with my mom with the girls.  I shared how hard it was lose her and about my aching fear of losing my father.  I confessed how difficult it was to go through but how encouraged I felt to share it with others.  It was then that I was reminded as much as it does hurt to share my feelings with others, in the end it's for the better.  God uses little things like that to share his love and bless us.  He is a constant source of peace, and He emerges in the smallest of acts, comforting and encouraging us as we navigate this crazy life of ours.

So anyway, long story short… God is good.  And I'm back to blogging!

I've been lovin the song, "Stay & Wait", which the lyrics above are from the the video below is of.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ipYFLSJVkq8

San Spits, San Luis Obispo. May 2014 | Canon 5d markii, 45mm tse