life

1315 cambodia When I think about my life I can honestly say that if I died today I would have died happy.  I have few regrets and am so very happy at my core because my driving force in life, the thing that makes me most happy, is to see God in my life.  It's not an easy task, and it's not something that comes naturally.  Nor is it something I'm constantly doing, but it is something I strive for. But truly, my aim is to see God in everything in my life.  To become so in tune with Him that I can learn to love as He loves, to feel compassion and forgiveness as He does.  To see beauty through His eyes in the most unlikely places.  That's the kind of God I believe in.

So sometimes when people ask me how I've been doing since my mom passed away, I have a difficult time finding an answer.  On one hand I still feel lost.  Three months have already passed, yet I still can't imagine living the rest of my life without her.  It feels as if the mourning will never end.  I feel myself constantly slipping in and out of dark bouts of deep sadness.  But on the other hand I remember that my mother is no longer suffering.  I remember how much good has come from her life and her passing.  I see how I've become stronger because I've clung to God during this time.  I see the doors God's opened.  I've felt such an overwhelming sense of thanks for the people, encouragement and experiences He's given me since.  I've learned that it is possible, and even okay, to feel such conflicting emotions all the time.  And even when I weigh both sides, the sadness and the hope, I find that my faith in God wins out.  I know that as long as God is my constant and I seek to find God in my experiences I always come out filled with a sense of that true peace that passes all understanding.

 

(The picture above is from my April 2013 trip to Siem Reap, Cambodia.)

Your Ex-Lover is Dead.

I watched "So You Think You Can Dance" the other night and was super inspired by Ellenore and Ryan's dance to "Your Ex-Lover Is Dead" by Stars. I'm just sitting here in the terminal. Five hours later from when I moved to the uber quiet and safe Observation Deck. Seven hours later than when I arrive at the airport. Nine hours after I left my friend's house to get to the airport. Thirteen hours after I wandered the streets of Georgetown... and so on. This has been a long week, and although I can't believe I've been gone for a week, with nearly a week of traveling to go, with only one week at home until I travel to Thailand/Cambodia, then three weeks over there, I wouldn't trade these experiences for anything.

God has blessed me in so many ways. I lost some things since college that were so important to me. My freedom. My Love. My job. I still miss it all. I still cry about my losses. I still complain. But through it all, it amazes me that if I lived on my own, was in a relationship and was tied to my career I could have never been blessed by these opportunities. I've met so many people along my journey while I searched for a job, edited in coffee shops, flew in airplanes, went on blind dates, got lost.

If God had said to me, "Meg, if you give me everything important to you, I'll give you the world...." I don't think I would give any of it up for the opportunities I now have. Strange to think, huh? What would you do?

I'm not going to lie. When people say "I wish I could travel", I usually say, "I wish I had a job." TImes when I'm exhausted or my feet are sore or I miss my bed, I can't believe I'm still traveling. I have my moody moments when I'm stoked for the life I have and other moments I'm crying my heart out because I don't feel like I'm making progress in life. But I guess that's what I love about this blog... I'm using to help me sort through life.

(Back to the song, "Your Ex-Lover Is Dead", my ex-lover (who is dead) is my old life, the one I thought I wanted.  Instead, I'm trying to delight in the life God's been leading me through)

Be Bold...

Be bold, but look to God. I've been learning this lesson over the past couple of weeks, and on my ride home from Bible study I was reminded of the balance that God calls for. Here are just some verses in James that have really been speaking to me....

"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." 4:8b "Humble yourselves int he sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up." 8:10 "Instead you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that.'" 4:15

God's been teaching me to be assertive in my life and to stand up for myself. But that doesn't mean I should boss people around or be demanding. He asks that I be bold in my pursuits, and to focus on Him for guidance. To have a good work ethic and do the best I can at the jobs I've been presented with. To seek out friends who need encouragement. To seek out friends when I need help. To get active and healthy. To make a change in my life and to go at it at full speed, even if I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing, but fully believing in God's faithfulness... looking to Him to take the lead.

 

 

* My posts are often very "up and down" emotionally, and it may seem odd how in one post I could be so pooped out with life and in another praising God for His blessings.  This is just the way of my life... sometimes I get down, but He lifts me up.  :)

Adventure

I got this from my sister, and it kind of got me thinking.Throughout my life I feel like there wasn't a lot of space to dream. I just think the way the world is setup up, reality seems to stifle dreams and adventure. Sometimes I'd give in to what reality said I should be doing; other times I followed my heart and really found my true self. I went to architecture school and found my passion even though everything seemed to be pointing me elsewhere. I've aspired to travel the world and expand my understanding of other cultures and people even though I don't have a steady income (I save and go out less). I'm trying to do freelance photography and learning, even though I feel like I should consider finding a part-time job (like waitressing or retail). Reality really bites into our aspirations, don't you think?

Then I read this passage from Sir Francis Drake and remember God wants me to live! Afterall, He's the one who told the the children of Israel to cross the red sea and the desert. It was Him who threw Jonah into the mouth of the whale. He was the one who got Elijah to go into the wilderness. So then I remember, if God is leading me to follow my dreams, I shouldn't let anyone or anything stop me.

Disturb us, Lord, when We are too well pleased with ourselves, When our dreams have come true Because we have dreamed too little, When we arrived safely Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when With the abundance of things we possess We have lost our thirst For the waters of life; Having fallen in love with life, We have ceased to dream of eternity And in our efforts to build a new earth, We have allowed our vision Of the new Heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly, To venture on wider seas Where storms will show your mastery; Where losing sight of land, We shall find the stars. We ask You to push back The horizons of our hopes; And to push into the future In strength, courage, hope, and love. [Sir Francis Drake]

I hope you all are continually challenged and rejuvenated. I wanted to leave you with this verse..... "Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day." 2 Corinthians 4:16

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Image originally posted here as my interpretation of "Dream".